Intensity

There are lots of experiences and feelings I won’t share with you here. They are genuinely intense and hard to communicate to anyone who is not in the throes of caregiving. Those of you who are, have seen many of the toughest spots.

Burt’s difficult behaviors always throw me for a loop and threaten my hard-won equilibrium. (Ha!) They come and go.

It is a Lewy roller-coaster, after all, and sometimes it feels like Burt has redesigned it for maximum intensity.

There is one kind of intensity that is particularly rough for me. I am a “fixer” by nature. I want to make things right.

Burt’s moods vary, but when he’s low, I am desperate to make it better. I realized that I really want him happy, and when he’s down, I am distressed.

There is a touch of selfishness in that. A happy Burt is an easier Burt.

It is also heartbreaking to hear him bemoan his illness.

When he does, I have to acknowledge and commiserate rather than poo-poo his feelings.

None of that is easy. For either of us.

I frequently have to remind myself that he’s in this mess with me.