Letting go

What was true a week or maybe two ago has changed now. It will always change.

I can not cease worrying because there may honestly be something worse or just different about to happen.

Things are harder with Burt in bed all the time.

Have I mentioned that?

I know I have spoken of no longer worrying that he’d fall. That part’s easier, for sure.

Burt seems content to just stay in the bed.

He seems content in general. I would say his anxieties and fears are greatly abated. That part is not just easier but also gratifying.

It is his physical care that now requires more effort. It takes two of us to turn, hold and change him.

He resists much of this, as he resists being helped to standing so we can transfer him to the wheelchair. His resistance adds pounds to the weight of him.

The longer he stays bedbound, the more strength goes from his legs. You can see the weakness in his calves.

This means that standing even with help and support will be harder for him.

It occurs to me that he may not want to stand or walk anymore. That’s a dream of mine, that he be mobile again and that we go places. He may not share that dream with me.

As I said, he seems content.