The balance sheet

What’s become easier in Burt’s  last decline?

• We feed him.
• No more bowls of food flung across the room.
• No spills, either.
• It’s generally tidier, I guess I would say.
• I value the sense of peace and intimacy I get from serving him this way.
• All his food needs to be pureed.
• This can be fun and sometimes even feels creative to me.
• He’s not getting up to walk.
• No fear of his falling.
• Less physical effort in getting  him upright out of his chair.
• Likewise, off of his bed
• He’s confused, disoriented and hallucinating more.
• There’s less drama over my absences.
• My time away is really a respite;
• I’m not interrupted while at the gym or during lunch;
• He doesn’t call in the middle of my support groups.
• Despite the confusion, he seems content.
• I know he’s well taken care of by his aides.
• He chats with them as well as with the hallucinatory  friends he gathers.
• His anxiety is generally reduced. He seems less prone to agitation.

What’s harder?

• We feed him.
• Feeding is physical work.
• My shoulder as well as my back feel the effort.
• I worry that he’s not getting enough nutrition. To be fair, I always worried about his calorie intake and the variety of his foods.
• All his food needs to be pureed.
• This takes time and organization.
• He doesn’t get out of bed.
• He’s lost muscle mass in his calves. I mean, that’s visible to the naked eye.
• Changing and cleaning him in bed is physically harder.
• He risks [and has] bed sores which have to be monitored. More vigilance and worry.
• The bed sores and his skin in general have to be treated.
• He needs to be turned every few hours.
• For me, right now, this is not possible.
• We are doing our best. I am doing my best. It’s not good enough.
• He’s confused and hallucinating.
• It makes me sad that he no longer notices that I am gone or asks when I’m coming back. It’s nice to be missed.
• I don’t miss the drama, just the emotion around being needed.
• He doesn’t call to interrupt my time away from him.
• He seems content, chatting with an imaginary crew.
• Of course, his being content is a good thing! But he’s also absent.
• I miss him. I miss my husband. I miss Burt.