Now that you’re gone

This haunts me.

Our first encounter with Capgras was both strange and amusing. Burt welcomed the imposter, an atypical response I suppose. In that early iteration, he wound up meeting 13 Tamaras. I remember one of our conversations during which I interjected our shared past at which Burt said “You’re a very nice person. I like you a lot but I don’t remember you.”

It was a gut punch. I know that over the years to come, he often called for me. He very often recognized me. It’s the sometimes that he didn’t that hurt.

We had at least a couple of  Capgras-free years. There were no multi-mes to confuse an already altered relationship. I found out that a deep love based in devotion and care that no longer included intimacy could sustain us. I missed sharing life moments and decisions large or small with my compromised spouse. We still shared kisses, hugs and I love you.

He called my name when he was in need.

In the last couple of years, a form of Capgras returned along with hallucinations. I was not always his protector Tamara.

For months, in this phase, Burt would proclaim “I hate my wife.” This was a sentiment he shared with me as well. Don’t know who he was telling when he told me that. His ex-wife’s name was also bandied about as possibly a wife.

Now, mind you, in all this, there were moments when I said I love you that Burt’s eyes would widen. The recognition both of being loved and of who it was loving him was there. I cherish that.

What haunts me is the times that, despite there being at least 6 of us, all saying I love you very much, he couldn’t find us. “She’s not here.” “Where is she?” I think he felt alone. I never abandoned him but he was abandoned. He had hallucinations for company, but he lost me. I so wanted to be there for him, always. I regret that he felt alone. His loneliness haunts me.

I know there are some things in life’s journey that we undertake alone. I think sickness and death are lonely life events. We may be fortunate in having a partner, but in the end we venture alone.

I wish it were not so, but I know he may have been alone but he was loved. He is loved. Burt, I love you very much. That love keeps me from feeling lonely and alone in your absence.