Advice

From the perspective of after

My message for you, preparing for life with and then after, is that you find the joy.

There was plenty of joy in caring for Burt.

It was sometimes a discovery of who he was under the patina of our marriage; sometimes it was enjoying his jokes, and more importantly how much he enjoyed them, laughing heartily at his crack-ups.

Keep the joy, now, and in writing or in your art, if you practice one.

Document these years, the hard ones, for the record, for your record. Keep a journal.

Always write down all of the surprisingly wise and witty things your spouse says.

It’s the context of the comments that will illuminate these for you.
They come from the, for want of a clearer word, soul. The soul that comes to the fore as dementia steals so much else.

Eventually, you will find joy in the remembering. I remember Burt as he was, as he became these last five years. I remember Burt as he was, before the illness that stole so much of him.

All my memories of him bring me joy. It’s mixed with sadness, and sorrow, but there is joy.

I have kept the joy.