Had I mentioned this in an early posting? I remembered it in a support group today and thought it might help with a loved one at the start of dementia.
Burt, I know I did mention this, dove into dementia with both feet from the get-go.
His symptoms were astonishing and a little overwhelming, and I was urging we visit a neurologist.
Burt’s resistance seemed par for the course, but upon discussion a deeper reason emerged.
I succeeded in coaxing Burt into an appointment.
Burt was sure, however, that a neurologist needs to operate to get inside his brain.
I had never entertained that such a fear was possible; I did address it as best I could.
I turned to the 24 hour call center at the Alzheimer’s Association for a voice of authority. Of course, it wasn’t enough, but I followed up with other authorities in our life. A trusted neighbor confirmed the fact that neurologists don’t do that. I think I had the neuro’s NP speak with him.
Everything with Burt was subject to negotiation, but knowing what he was thinking eased the process for me.
I realized that what he might have been thinking could seem very far-fetched to me. It was very real to him. I was so glad that he knew I was not just by his side, but on his side.
We had had to negotiate the date on which he would agree to see a doctor in the first place. Now I was negotiating around this fear he harbored of what a diagnosis entailed.
I wonder, in retrospect, where I found the patience to negotiate.
Honestly, I mean, wouldn’t an argument have been more my style?
I am surprised that this bit of wisdom emerged for me as Burt was struggling:
Don’t assume anything, least of all what’s going on in your partner’s head. Having dementia must be very scary, be there to assuage and reassure.
this is our life 