I am still in that crazy but comforting space where Burt is present.
While eating protein oats, I am wondering if only I had had Magic Spoon high protein o’s for him could I have prolonged his life?
Then I wonder if he would benefit from that; would he want his life extended; would he want to continue with the pain. And then I wonder if he was in pain.
I answer my questions. I knew he suffered so many losses not just throughout his life but during / because of his dementia. He felt the loss when he asked after his parents. He was always asking me where his mother was; he’d say “where is my father, I haven’t seen him.”
He was also sure I was never there for him. Even when I was by his side, he did not know it was me; he often wanted to know “why didn’t you say hello?”
Was he in pain when he felt so alone; when he wondered where his wife was, where his love was.
He had so many losses and he was so lost. I think, no I’m sure
Burt had had enough and that it was his time.
The protein oats would not be a magic spoon to save him. He was ready to be allowed to go.
My memories and my love keep his spirit with me. It was time to let him go.
this is our life 