therealtamara

Doubts

Burt’s asking me who I am is creating a fault line in my self- confidence. I mean, I am still pretty sure who I am. Just not always sure who he thinks I am. When it was clear, for instance, that his pushy wife was becoming a pain, I was able to own up. IContinue reading “Doubts”

It’s hard to imagine

My smart and capable husband is living in a world outside of my reality. Actually, outside of any reality. He has many wives, one of which he says is not nice to him. Guilty as charged. I direct him too much. Praise him too little. Worry that something will go awry. All of this singlyContinue reading “It’s hard to imagine”

Projections

The other morning, Burt told me that I was losing my mind. I was saddened by his matter of fact tone as much as by the message. He had some additional wisdom when he informed me that going to the gym was killing me. Delusional trains chug through our days and evenings. In the earlyContinue reading “Projections”

Abbrev

In caregiving circles, there are lots of shortcuts by which we communicate. This is not a glossary, just some abbreviations that come to mind: We never seem to shorten (seems right as the work isn’t shortened) caregiver or caregiving. There are lots of symptoms that also maintain their long form. Reduplicative paranesia is a mouthfulContinue reading “Abbrev”

Love

Ours is a love story, so we have ourForever after, although sometimes,It resides with sorrow, not always aHappily, like in the fairy tales whereAll’s well because it ends well. Aren’t All endings sad? Our forever love isIn this moment. Ours is a love story.

Romance

There is still a deep romantic connection between my love and I. This despite the chaste status of our relations these days. I feel the pull at my heart, and I have often heard his version of our story as well. He has wanted to “run away,” he says, but “there’s some chemistry between us.”Continue reading “Romance”

So very, very slow

Every move, every change of venue, let’s say from the bedroom to the big brown chair, is a project. Burt notices my lack of patience for these life-altering transitions. “You’re not being nice,” he might say or more cuttingly “boy everybody here is so rotten.” Developing a “wait and let it develop” attitude might beContinue reading “So very, very slow”

A peaceful afternoon

Self Care

Overrated! Just kidding, but I spent the better part of my morning reading back emails of Lapham’s Quarterly. I was waiting for a delayed dental appointment, which launched an hour later than scheduled. Lapham’s is very informative, and I caught snippets from “news” of Babe Ruth and an explanation of ether and electricity from NikolaContinue reading “Self Care”

Not to worry

It’s natural for caregivers to be vigilant about changes and signs. It’s in the nature of our person with dementia, particularly a partner with Lewy Body, to give us cause for worry. So when we fret, it has to be over reasonable concerns. And in measured tones. My tendency to panic has been noted, evenContinue reading “Not to worry”