TheRealTamara

At the beginning

By the time I started relating our journey through the pages of this blog, Burt and I had been at it for over three years. I described what transpired in the early days but I know it was from the perspective of distance. I feel like the beginning is the subtlest but least documented aspect ofContinue reading “At the beginning”

All those good years

I promise that I will continue to write about Burt’s struggles as I heal from the reeling loss of him. Heal is the wrong word, so is reel to be honest. It hurts but it’s not a pain you want to cure. It will dull on its own and I will feel that relief. InContinue reading “All those good years”

Revisiting

On my respites during Burt’s journey, I had avoided going where we had been together. Now, in his absence, these are the most welcome destinations. I am soothed by going where we had gone together.

We met

Just a month into our first year together, Burt made it his mission to give my apartment a makeover. Once refurbished, it would be our apartment. I found a contractor whose credentials included solid quirkiness. Every few days, we were asked for more money to keep the project going. Burt was paying for the workContinue reading “We met”

Meant to be

Burt did a favor for Angelo one day in 1990. He went to drop off something at the Puck Building. He noticed a freebie newspaper on the premises. The NY Press had an, also free, personal ad section. Intrigued, Burt worked on his pitch. I was in the market. Burt’s ad was tailor-made to myContinue reading “Meant to be”

Mourning

I will mourn you when You’re gone, and those Rites of your passing Allow my grief out from The volcano the furnace The seismic pressure I am holding together While you live each day As less of who you are Diminished, diminishing Lost but still here, still Mine, not fully mine, and Not always lost.Continue reading “Mourning”

Theater, or

Whatever favored activity I will make the case for theater as a healing art for those of us grieving a loss as well as it may be for a nation in crisis. Theater does not stand alone in its healing powers. Dance, you bopping to a tune while mopping the floors, or the variety youContinue reading “Theater, or”

Like we used to do

It’s not a flippant thought, really; I do find Burt coming with me, tagging along as I wander the city. Some places bring me memories of us. Some are new to me and I feel like we are exploring. Like we used to do. It’s pleasing to imagine, for instance, that I am introducing BurtContinue reading “Like we used to do”

Grieving the loss

Caregiving is the hardest job I ever had. Or, it was until Burt died and I suddenly had a much harder job. This, like my caring for him, is truly a labor of love. The work of missing Burt involves the pleasure of remembering him. It’s a consolation prize but not really a prize sinceContinue reading “Grieving the loss”

Snarky

Thanks to Burt, I have become a kinder human being. Now that he is no longer around to mitigate my snarks, I find myself admonishing, oh shit that’s not nice.