Blogging about Burt feels self- aggrandizing. Sometimes, at any rate. Not writing about him feels negligent. Like only the blog will document who he was to me. In the context of our life together, it doesn’t matter how others will remember him. As his wife, I temper all of the difficult, easy, caring devotion withContinue reading “Thinking about”
Author Archives: therealtamara
Thinking of…
I am in a bereavement group at the moment. This is my second go at tackling, no taking in this kind of support. Why not? It’s very helpful talking to others recently bereft. We see the stages so much more clearly when they filter in other’s eyes. I try to be honest with my group,Continue reading “Thinking of…”
Relaxed performance
When Burt said he missed going to the ballet, I really wanted for us to go. It didn’t happen; I heard about a performance geared to the diagnosis on a Friday; the dance event was scheduled for Sunday. I wasn’t able to pivot that fast. I still have regrets. It wasn’t easy to find accessibleContinue reading “Relaxed performance”
Burt deserved the extraordinary
Burt was extraordinary. He and I had lived a happy, carefree, and modest life. We had no ambition to stir us towards greatness. He had daydreams of coaching a hapless team with me in the dug- out by his side. Sometimes. Not an ambition. We were impressed by talent and in Burt’s case that meantContinue reading “Burt deserved the extraordinary”
Blame takes a turn
While I’m on the subject, I realize that I can not only blame Burt for his illness. I can pin his death on him, too. He got sick. I adjusted. It was hard. It felt like a different kind of leaving every day. As if that wasn’t bad enough, Burt died. He left me. ThatContinue reading “Blame takes a turn”
Blame
The subject of blame is proving an inspiration of sorts. I know that blaming Burt for his illness is [was] ridiculous. I also know that it was not an absurd reaction. I bet that if your spouse received a dementia diagnosis, you might be angry. Not just at the diagnosis but also at him/her. IContinue reading “Blame”
Blameless
Burt, due to his diagnosis, has been blameless. Lewy comes with a pass and Lewy was with us for the past five years. Leave it to me to feel that there is significance in my faulting him for the soap dishes. I had allowed for the normal irritation at a spouse who made an errantContinue reading “Blameless”
Blaming gaming
Burt brought home these metal soap dishes; they were handsome until water hit them, then they rusted. I blamed Burt for their high maintenace needs and the ugly stains their little red-blistered bottoms left behind. This morning as I moved a dish to try to clean under it, I realized that I still blame him.Continue reading “Blaming gaming”
Love and marriage
We’ve talked about love during caregiving, but I have not been forthright about sex. We don’t talk about that in polite society as my mother would assert. A visiting carer who came by to see Burt was not so circumspect. She suggested I should connect with someone in circumstances like my own. “It’s not cheating,”Continue reading “Love and marriage”
Take care
It hadn’t occurred to me until my friend T said it. Burt chose me. He knew I would be there for him. I am always uncertain when I say that, although she assured me it was true. There were all those times his wife was missing. Did she go to Walgreens, she was always atContinue reading “Take care”
this is our life 