There are so many pictures of Burt, mostly during the journey, but a lot of us at ballgames, on walks having fun. The photos perch on every free surface in both rooms or sit tacked to the wall. Our wedding photos, and an album, are also part of the decor. The photographic reminders take meContinue reading “The last 5 years”
Category Archives: #feelings
Love is on the….
Near 42nd, right across the avenue from the NYPL lions, I passed a Lovello “Permanent Jewelry” store. A little down the road, there was a Love Korean Restaurant. At Peacefood Union Sq, I giggled at the Both sign on the restroom door, envisioning couples going in. Not the intent, I know, but isn’t it romantic?Continue reading “Love is on the….”
At home on a rainy day
As I sit here writing, and reading, I have a strong feeling that Burt is present with me. It’s the first time, since the time I thought I needed to go check on him. That had happened just a few days after he passed. It’s been months now, nearly eight, and this is different. Today,Continue reading “At home on a rainy day”
Laugh, love, remember
Honoring those we love who have died is not a matter of constant sorrow. I was in a speakeasy Friday night, having fun watching the young, and, yes, being honored by them. [See “You are icons.” Prohibitions is back, baby.] Intentionality, my awkward word for mindfulness, makes it essential to laugh while grieving. This isContinue reading “Laugh, love, remember”
What prepared me for my role as caregiver
This writing prompt prompted me to consider what life was like during my journey with Burt and where it is now… Life after your spouse dies has a new landscape. When added into that structural change is the fact that you spent many years as a caregiver, well, that’s a now what moment. At leastContinue reading “What prepared me for my role as caregiver”
Depression
Too many losses this 4th of July. Burt is gone. The loss of him is so real, and permanent, and utterly devastating. While Burt was ill, I saw- out of the corner of my eye- my country dying as well. Since he’s been gone, I have been focused on a crumbling country. That’s what thisContinue reading “Depression”
Morning musings
He falls asleep shortly after I feed him. While he eats, he has the penetrating look of a serious child. He chews slowly, with great deliberation. He grabs my hand, the one holding the bottle to his lips, when he drinks. It all breaks my heart. There is a picture of Burt at 16 sittingContinue reading “Morning musings”
It’s heavy
In my encounters with friends and acquaintances, I feel heavy. Physically, of course, I am. It is the sorrow I carry in my heart that makes me feel weightier. This, I think, at each conversation is not the gravitas I hoped to achieve. I have toned down the impulse to spill it all. I noContinue reading “It’s heavy”
Xtra xtra read all about it
Today, after resisting when our weekend guy put him in a sitting position, Burt settled into it. He relaxed and held himself up. This was unusual for him as he generally sinks back. Not unexpectedly, he started talking. His narrative ran into unfamiliar territory as he started discussing getting up. We perked up. His aideContinue reading “Xtra xtra read all about it”
The sign
It’s been at least two years since I first met this sign on a stretch of East End Avenue. I took it both at face value and as an indicator. Life, our life, had definitely hit a patch of the rough. In our case, we had not had or did not heed or were notContinue reading “The sign”
this is our life 