Yesterday, I was thinking about what it would be like spending the afternoon on a river- facing bench across the 78th Street bridge. These were late night thoughts and late night sadnesses. There was sadness in the thought; I couldn’t do so without missing Burt who frequently sat with me on that bench. It hadContinue reading “Sitting in the sun”
Category Archives: Sadness
The last months
This morning, I was rereading posts from the days and months before Burt died. It’s pretty clear that I had been aware since November, around his birthday, of how much he had begun to decline. This was unlike the dips we’d gone through before. There were hopeful posts expecting further help for Burt’s care, startingContinue reading “The last months”
Forgotten?
Early in our journey when Burt was in many ways deepest in the throes of Lewy Body, he didn’t recognize me. He’d ask me frequently who I was. I would answer with that neutrality that hides any disappointment. From my answers, he assumed that he had several wives, all named Tamara. From our care team, IContinue reading “Forgotten?”
Grieving
There are so many words but I have only used loss; I’ve only Said “I’m mourning” or “I mourn” I have said “I miss you” and I’ve Mentioned that as I missed you, You were also missing. I knew You were lost and losing little Bits of yourself over time which I noticed you hadContinue reading “Grieving”
Sorrow
Grief is not something you want to fix. I mean, I feel as if I am frequently trying to fix my saddness. It’s illogical. And not something I really want. Sorrow is an irrational passage. Grief is a process that like other life experiences yanks us in all directions and often doesn’t make sense. MourningContinue reading “Sorrow”
Sadder
There will be days like these.. the line is from a rock n roll song. My mama said… it goes on… and it is only a caption, not the whole story. More to the point, those of us who are mourning know that there will be bad days and better days. Sad days and betterContinue reading “Sadder”
Loving Burt. Losing Burt.
To care and protect
My mission since Burt’s diagnosis [the big scary dx] more than 4 years ago has been to protect him. Of course. That’s it. I have pinpointed my malaise. I can’t fix this as one of the prompts in my grief writing support group put it. That phrase sums up my frustration in the most succinctContinue reading “To care and protect”
Me me me Time
A Lament Let’s face it, I have me-time even when I sit with Burt. (How do you think these blogs get written?) Most of the time, there are no pressing and time-consuming needs. There’s a little quiet conversation. It’s not challenging or sustained. Often, it doesn’t even include me as Burt’s focused on some fantomContinue reading “Me me me Time”
It’s not imminent
We all die alone; it’s our ownPersonal drama. Noone should Take our spotlight. I will stayAs witness. I will not let him goAlone. I will be the chorus to hisAgamennon, the Fool to his Lear Burt’s decline, as I have mulled it over and over, is a dark time for me. It is also darkContinue reading “It’s not imminent”
this is our life 