I will mourn you when You’re gone, and those Rites of your passing Allow my grief out from The volcano the furnace The seismic pressure I am holding together While you live each day As less of who you are Diminished, diminishing Lost but still here, still Mine, not fully mine, and Not always lost.Continue reading “Mourning”
Tag Archives: #ambiguous-grief
Again and then
When your heart breaks, youCan only think “oh, I love you ” No one should love so muchThat it hurts so much. Maybe.Eschew love. Altogether. YouWould be spared the pain, theIntensity of the despair that Loving brings. Maybe. I loveYou too much to care that itHurts, that your pain is mine,That my heart breaks forContinue reading “Again and then”
Morning musings
He falls asleep shortly after I feed him. While he eats, he has the penetrating look of a serious child. He chews slowly, with great deliberation. He grabs my hand, the one holding the bottle to his lips, when he drinks. It all breaks my heart. There is a picture of Burt at 16 sittingContinue reading “Morning musings”
Ambiguity
There is a pet term for the grieving and loss we feel as our loved ones dwindle and decline. As they lose themselves to confusion and disorientation, they are lost to us. Sometimes, the diminished cognition, reductive common sense, and other unraveling occur over many years. Each new feature of this unwinding is another lossContinue reading “Ambiguity”
Valentines
Speaking of the day of hearts and flowers, and I did mention it, this is another particularly difficult holiday. It’s that love stuff that gets us. Most of us have seen our marriages transformed by Lewy [or, really, any dementia]. Intimacy is not what it used to be. Love, of course, is a resilient andContinue reading “Valentines”
The balance sheet
What’s become easier in Burt’s last decline? What’s harder?
Slipping away
I hear myself saying, “I love you, truly, madly, deeply.” Why am I always quoting, inserting film titles or song lyrics?, I ask myself with mild annoyance at the habit of anchoring my affections in cultural history. I think it’s to acknowledge how normal it is. To love and to care, to adore the manContinue reading “Slipping away”
Changes
Burt seems less restless, even calm, despite the endless chatter. He’ll say he’s scared, but it isn’t urgent. In other words, the prediction that this declining state would be “easier” has come to fruition. His aides can give him water or juice. He’s amenable to eating if they feed him. Burt now entertains himself inContinue reading “Changes”
It’s not imminent
We all die alone; it’s our ownPersonal drama. Noone should Take our spotlight. I will stayAs witness. I will not let him goAlone. I will be the chorus to hisAgamennon, the Fool to his Lear Burt’s decline, as I have mulled it over and over, is a dark time for me. It is also darkContinue reading “It’s not imminent”
Unambiguously
I started mourning…. I was going to say right away, well, that’s not true. The first losses kicked me in the gut. They perplexed me. I was angry. I was scared. I didn’t know what to do. I started mourning as I got used to the loss. Losses, that’s the right word; they are incremental;Continue reading “Unambiguously”
this is our life 