therealtamara

My memories

There were many things Burt could still remember as Lewy progressed. Some were mangled memories. Until the last month or two, he still knew that I loved him. Sometimes that awareness came as a reminder from me. I love you very very much. His eyes widened and he’d say “Really?” and smile in recognition. AsContinue reading “My memories”

It went so fast

In a rambling dinner conversation, Burt’s favorite aide [and mine] and I inevitably spoke of him. His idiosyncracies over the rules of laundry and eager attendance to the mailbox were still part of daily living when she began. Only toward the end, in the last few months, did Burt think I was just never here. MyContinue reading “It went so fast”

I was prompted

It’s hard to feel like you’re thriving in the midst of the downward cycle of dementia. My policy, as I have often called it, was to get help in early so I could get “me time.” It was to save myself, to keep from drowning, to stay positive. In retrospect with Burt-dear Burt- gone, IContinue reading “I was prompted”

Our journey. Now it’s my journey alone

I know that Burt is guiding me through this part of the journey. I say this despite my averred non-[even, perhaps anti] spiritual stance. As a new acquaintance told me yesterday, we don’t approach death in a direct way. We don’t for many reasons, one of which is a natural fear of our mortality. WeContinue reading “Our journey. Now it’s my journey alone”

It’s going to be different

There are so many ways in which I am missing Burt. This is not unusual when mourning. I believe that we face our loss uniquely, not just as individuals but at different points during any given day. I awoke thinking about the Burt of many months past who was still communicative and sociable. I miss thatContinue reading “It’s going to be different”

Ping Pong

Somehow Burt always crops up in my conversations. I sat with some strangers at the senior center chatting about the play [Humpty Dumpty] I had seen while one of them was in the Hands Off! March and the gym classes we attended. One of the strangers, now my new friends, mentioned the ping pong programContinue reading “Ping Pong”

Married Lady

My views on marriage were a bit more open than not. I was a 60s hippie-adjacent sort, after all. Burt felt that the commitment was an important turning point. He proposed on the morning of his 51st birthday in 1990. In retrospect, from where I stand today, being married to Burt was the best thingContinue reading “Married Lady”

Saved from the bell

Burt got us out of the market. He had been a stocks and options broker and had happily traded for many years. As the LBD wracked him, he became leery of trading in the markets. I think he recognized, on some level, how complicated it all was. And under his new circumstances, that he wasContinue reading “Saved from the bell”

In my dreams

On Friday night I dreamt that Burt came to chat with me. He sat on the edge of the tub, cigarette in hand. You don’t smoke I said. I thought I’d try it. No harm now. He was casual. We don’t have a tub. He looked well, was lively and he said I got myContinue reading “In my dreams”

Aging

I awake, listing all the possible times of night [or early morning] it could be. I get up, walking with that strange rolling gate that age has gifted me. I have become an old woman in the years that Burt suffered his dementia. I stayed perky-ish while he needed me but since he left, IContinue reading “Aging”