Losses – this is our life

Thankful

With Thanksgiving just a few days past, I realize that I had not completed my list of gratitude. It was such an obvious thing that I hadn’t voiced it: I am grateful for Burt. I am grateful that I met him, grateful that I knew him. I am grateful for every moment I had withContinue reading “Thankful”

I was safe. I thought I was safe.

The above is a prompt from Wild Heart’s Miribai Starr- well the second half is. She is guiding the grief workshop to which I am listening. It debunks some myths about grieving. [Wild Heart and Holy Lament, a grief community, is led by Miribai and Willow Brook.] I thought I was safe; it’s not theContinue reading “I was safe. I thought I was safe.”

Emotional logic

We like to think that we’re logical creatures but our minds belie this hope. Logic is buried in a web of emotions. Burt, it seemed, wasn’t aware that I went with him to the park on our weekend outings. I noticed this when I recapped the Sunday. We went to the pickleball court, I said.Continue reading “Emotional logic”

Blame takes a turn

While I’m on the subject, I realize that I can not only blame Burt for his illness. I can pin his death on him, too. He got sick. I adjusted. It was hard. It felt like a different kind of leaving every day. As if that wasn’t bad enough, Burt died. He left me. ThatContinue reading “Blame takes a turn”

Love and marriage

We’ve talked about love during caregiving, but I have not been forthright about sex. We don’t talk about that in polite society as my mother would assert. A visiting carer who came by to see Burt was not so circumspect. She suggested I should connect with someone in circumstances like my own. “It’s not cheating,”Continue reading “Love and marriage”

Grieving

There are so many words but I have only used loss; I’ve only Said “I’m mourning” or “I mourn” I have said “I miss you” and I’ve Mentioned that as I missed you, You were also missing. I knew You were lost and losing little Bits of yourself over time which I noticed you hadContinue reading “Grieving”

Peaches are good

There were other summers When it was enough to say’Peaches are good’ to makeIt a good summer. SummersPast, before, when you wereStill here, with me. SummersNot like this one, without you.This summer, I’m thinking ofHow much you would enjoyThis fruit of summer. Burt,The peaches are good thisSummer. This summer, I amMissing you. That’s not good.

On this dreary morning

I awake to notice the slide show on one of my screens. I greet the first image with “Good morning, Burton.” The next with “I miss having you around, darling.” As the pictures go by, I tell Burt how I feel in his absence; that I miss holding his hand and kissing him. It’s aContinue reading “On this dreary morning”

Sixth stage

When you’re caring for a person with dementia, you get to repeat the five stages of grief over and over. While your spouse is playing out his Groundhog Day, repeatedly wondering what time it is, you’re stuck in denial anger bargaining depression acceptance over and over. It’s not just sorrow (and surprise) as a newContinue reading “Sixth stage”

Endings

What experiences in life helped you grow the most? It felt odd sharing news of Burt’s death in an email or text. It was odd having that news to share. He lived large and well right up to his last few days. Even during 4, nearly 5 years with dementia he found pleasure in connectingContinue reading “Endings”