Burt just passed and yesterday was odd and aimless although I had things to do and did them. I miss Burt although saying it out loud is stating the obvious. A redundancy. I miss his aide. I miss the routine of our days. Back to the redundancy: I miss Burt. I told him I willContinue reading “2-25-2025 + 2”
Tag Archives: #grief
So, what now?
I am aimless the day after Burt has left his body and his body has been taken away by the men from the mortuary. I visit the funeral home to fill out paperwork that will carry him away. Even further. Or carry his body away. I turn spiritual of a sudden. I know his soul,Continue reading “So, what now?”
2-25-2025 [to Burt]
My burden’s been lifted, orLessened. I search insteadFor the purpose I’ve lost orMisplaced. Caregiving is aJob or a job description, soOnce it passes you are noLonger giving care.The workIs over, finished, the burdenLifted, and you by definitionNo longer occupy that job.By definition caregiver doesNot define you, it is not whoYou are. It doesn’t define me.IContinue reading “2-25-2025 [to Burt]”
It’s coming to the end
Or, more accurately, Burt’s last 4 days Burt’s temperature was 102.1. I gave him some water which he sputtered over, coughing but swallowing it. I put a cold wet papertowel on his head. It dropped to 99.1. His arms are shaking. His lips are shaking. He opens his eyes and puts his lips on theContinue reading “It’s coming to the end”
Out of the past
Memories are a way of reliving the past. Memories are also a way to bring good feelings back. I spend more time with that past now. In my present, I also spend time living a heavy sorrow. From time to time, events and occasions trigger both memory and sorrow. We did this thing, checking outContinue reading “Out of the past”
My Burt
Burt looks through his intense old man’s eyes, with a seriousness that is touching. The look is fully reminiscent of the boy in him. Like that boy, he is sorting out the ways of the world. Conversations that draw simple and astonishing conclusions flow much of the day. He has lots of questions and gets manyContinue reading “My Burt”
Ambiguity
There is a pet term for the grieving and loss we feel as our loved ones dwindle and decline. As they lose themselves to confusion and disorientation, they are lost to us. Sometimes, the diminished cognition, reductive common sense, and other unraveling occur over many years. Each new feature of this unwinding is another lossContinue reading “Ambiguity”
It’s not imminent
We all die alone; it’s our ownPersonal drama. Noone should Take our spotlight. I will stayAs witness. I will not let him goAlone. I will be the chorus to hisAgamennon, the Fool to his Lear Burt’s decline, as I have mulled it over and over, is a dark time for me. It is also darkContinue reading “It’s not imminent”
Here’s where the focus shifts
Burt is having more interactions with hallucinatory visitors these days. He experiences delusions and a good deal of confusion. This lessens his involvement and connection with those of us with him; the ones actually in the room. For instance, when I told him I was his wife and I was home with him, he said,Continue reading “Here’s where the focus shifts”
Rapid
My sense is that Burt started his path in LBD at an advanced stage. From the get-go he went from a period of apathy to being fully confused in what felt like 60 seconds. Capgras was one major symptom; little people enhabited our home; he needed reassurance that he was home. Meds helped a lotContinue reading “Rapid”
this is our life 