therealtamara

The parade

Are you the parade?, she askedNot in the parade or at the paradeIt was a tremendous responsibility Being the parade, she thought. Yes,She said. I am. The parade, she Added. Where are you?, she asked. WhereIs the parade, you mean?, she saidYes. I’m in Bayside, she answered.The parade, it’s in Bayside, near theWater. I mean,Continue reading “The parade”

Children

Craig Robinson and his sister Michelle Obama format their show, IMO, to answer a listener’s question. The issues deal with relationships and the focus is on mental health. The query, on this episode, has to do with waiting for the guy to decide about having children. A memory is triggered, as my memories of BurtContinue reading “Children”

Good advice

Some days, Burt is so intensely missed that I walk around in a miasma of loss. That’s on one day, and it’s fine. It is inevitable that that feeling will come or go or both at once. Today, I miss him but I’m digging into memories. With the memory the miasma lifts; I am notContinue reading “Good advice”

Depression

Too many losses this 4th of July. Burt is gone. The loss of him is so real, and permanent, and utterly devastating. While Burt was ill, I saw- out of the corner of my eye- my country dying as well. Since he’s been gone, I have been focused on a crumbling country. That’s what thisContinue reading “Depression”

Burt and I

Mourning and loss isn’t an illness. We don’t want to recover from it. We don’t expect to recover. We do, of course, hope to get past the initial shock and sadness. But the loss, that’s now and forever. The loss is permanent. Burt’s not coming back. I mourn that loss. It saddens me to have toContinue reading “Burt and I”

Quiet

The house is very empty without Burt’s presence. After he passed, I changed its configuration, flipping bedroom for livingroom. There is a kind of hush over both rooms. In many ways, it doesn’t feel like it was his house these last few years. Well, that’s not completely true; actually the big brown chair – hisContinue reading “Quiet”

We are humble

This is not a brag Caregiving carries with it a grand responsibility. Rather than make us grandiose, it humbles us. One of my caregiver friends is as thrilled by the purple umbrella she gifted herself as a diva is by pearls, champagne and fancy chocolates. No diva, but a queen of caring. My own experienceContinue reading “We are humble”

I found it!

My tendency to clear away clutter is anti-sentimental. I tend to remove the unworn from my closets. It’s a slightly brutal approach. I am delighted that I didn’t dispose of all my unused keepsakes so cavaliarly. We were- I can’t remember why- at the Met store in Rockefeller Center. Browsing. Somehow, Burt managed to sneakContinue reading “I found it!”

Love you. Love you more.

Love does not have a finite value. My love for Burt, unconditional, and I am sure he loved me more, as he often responded to my declaration of love. I always told him I loved him. When he became ill, this affirmation was not just more imperative in the moment, it was also clearer. IContinue reading “Love you. Love you more.”

When I met Burt

Burt lamented that his address had changed from 555 West 42nd Street when mgmt put the front entry on W43rd. [Note that they have given the address to the ensite theater, see below.] Soon after we met, his address changed again from the 500 block in midtown west to the 500 block on E72nd. WhileContinue reading “When I met Burt”