therealtamara

Love, always

I said I love you but wonderedIf you heard me. I didn’t knowIf you heard me when I said itBefore, in those last few days,But I do know you heard me. You will always know that I Love you. Always. I said it toRemind us both, then. I loved You, then as I love you, now.Continue reading “Love, always”

Footwear

My photo albums show me my Burt fully animated, even mischievous. He was a contrarian and often impish. I loved his capricious humor. I loved him.

What was I thinking

There is actually a name for what your loved one with dementia is going through when s/he first denies the diagnosis. It’s not denial but something like a not knowing. My sincere hope at that point was that Burt would know, that he would understand. If he accepted the dementia, we could work together onContinue reading “What was I thinking”

Time

Time which I hoarded is now mine to squanderI have so much of it to fill at my leisure andCommand. I needed it when there was careAnd worry and doing so I set aside a block ofHours that were mine alone to fill with a lunchOr a Zumba class or, often with a learning ofHowContinue reading “Time”

Now that you’re gone

This haunts me. Our first encounter with Capgras was both strange and amusing. Burt welcomed the imposter, an atypical response I suppose. In that early iteration, he wound up meeting 13 Tamaras. I remember one of our conversations during which I interjected our shared past at which Burt said “You’re a very nice person. IContinue reading “Now that you’re gone”

The Falcons

My friend J came to join me at a theater performance wearing a Falcons varsity jacket. Why is that significant? Unbeknownst to her, Burt and his highschool pals called themselves the Falcons. And, yes, they had varsity jackets. It’s possible that this one, found at a bin in a second hand store, could have belongedContinue reading “The Falcons”

The sun will

The last five years have been harder on me than I felt as they rolled along. Caregiving is an encompassing experience. It holds your focus; your loved one keeps you focused on doing for…. Burt was the center for my worry and care. I was a model for selfcare, I say with no boast orContinue reading “The sun will”

Time spent together

Was Burt perfect? Well, of course. Oh, you’re serious. No, of course not. The moments I conjure now are perfect. The ones over the last years may also be tinged with sadness. Of course. The ones from before his sad long illness are glimpses into a happy life. Often they are little things that areContinue reading “Time spent together”

Along the way

I have met and observed others treading the hallowed ground of this dementia, the Lewy Body disease. This poem is a tribute to one such fellow traveler. She of the perpetual sorrowShe carries her dread but isNot sure what it is she fearsHer fear is real but she fearsIt may be just the dread ofContinue reading “Along the way”

In my corner 2

I stepped out onto our street after speaking of how thoroughly and well Burt had looked after me. My hope was [and is] that he still does. Here’s the proof on the block: Thank you.