therealtamara

Community

My friend and neighbor D was one of those who watched over us. Another neighbor has been urging me to get a dog. She thinks a small dog would be best. She, as people do, really loves her dog. Burt had been fearful around dogs, and I think she took it a little personally whenContinue reading “Community”

Glad you asked

Sorry to have this answer Describe a phase in life that was difficult to say goodbye to. Marriage isn’t rightly described as a phase. Some are soon ended. Others last from highschool sweetheart on, til. Ours started in midlife and ended with Burt’s death. Nearly 33 years married and almost 35 together. Maybe, like hisContinue reading “Glad you asked”

Routines

It occurs to me that in the five long five short years during which Burt suffered at the hands of Lewy, we lived a lifetime of routines. We watched Lawrence Welk every week. We had television dates. For a while we went to the park all the time. We had a weekend outing every SaturdayContinue reading “Routines”

Esplanade

D and I made plans to take a walk today. The weather’s been mild. Maybe we’ll cross the bridge that goes over the FDR to the Riverwalk. Burt and I used to walk there all the time. I mean, before he got sick, too. For a while, when he was still walking, we would goContinue reading “Esplanade”

Remembering Burt

My friend D warmed me by letting me know she was sharing remembrances of Burt with the doormen. She said she was also talking about him with her sister and their parents. Burt and I used to see D’s parents at Sedutto’s. They would take D’s girls for ice cream, I’m guessing once a week.Continue reading “Remembering Burt”

The from before

You met Burt here after the Lewy Body Dementia had taken a toll. For years, as it progressed, he maintained a lot of who he was. And who he was was funny, friendly, inquisitive. Loving, caring, smart. It started to really diminish him this past fall, LBD did. He lost his sociability. He gave upContinue reading “The from before”

I love you. Farewell

When Burt started having hallucinations (again) in the past several months, they (like the first ones at the beginning of Lewy) were mostly benign. I think it’s safe to say he felt safe in his home. I am grateful for that. The worst might have been that he needed to take someone from his crewContinue reading “I love you. Farewell”

2-25-2025 + 2

Burt just passed and yesterday was odd and aimless although I had things to do and did them. I miss Burt although saying it out loud is stating the obvious. A redundancy. I miss his aide. I miss the routine of our days. Back to the redundancy: I miss Burt. I told him I willContinue reading “2-25-2025 + 2”

So, what now?

I am aimless the day after Burt has left his body and his body has been taken away by the men from the mortuary. I visit the funeral home to fill out paperwork that will carry him away. Even further. Or carry his body away. I turn spiritual of a sudden. I know his soul,Continue reading “So, what now?”

2-25-2025 [to Burt]

My burden’s been lifted, orLessened. I search insteadFor the purpose I’ve lost orMisplaced. Caregiving is aJob or a job description, soOnce it passes you are noLonger giving care.The workIs over, finished, the burdenLifted, and you by definitionNo longer occupy that job.By definition caregiver doesNot define you, it is not whoYou are. It doesn’t define me.IContinue reading “2-25-2025 [to Burt]”