TheRealTamara

It’s a chore. It’s a delight.

The sound of the glug glug as the bottle empties makes me smile. Feeding Burt is a task. My wait time patience between spoonfuls is limited. I have to resort to a slow, silent count and to posture breaks. Feeding Burt is also the one remaining intimacy we share. That and giving him to drinkContinue reading “It’s a chore. It’s a delight.”

Here’s where the focus shifts

Burt is having more interactions with hallucinatory visitors these days. He experiences delusions and a good deal of confusion. This lessens his involvement and connection with those of us with him; the ones actually in the room. For instance, when I told him I was his wife and I was home with him, he said,Continue reading “Here’s where the focus shifts”

Aides in short supply

I had considered that any crackdown on immigrants would affect the food supply – from farm workers to deliverymen – but was surprised by this: Some of the earliest and lasting effects from President-elect Trump’s promised immigration crackdowns would be in home health and long-term care, both of which rely on a substantial number ofContinue reading “Aides in short supply”

He’s back

Burt’s decline has been very distressing. Yesterday, he slept all day. He didn’t respond to his aide and this scared her. Today, he’s back and chatting. Giving advice, happy. Ah, Lewy. He’s staying in bed but eating well and talking a lot.

His decline. My denial

Oh, that famous river is always right over my shoulder. Is it my heart that keeps me from accepting the inevitability of this disease? Burt has been declining, as in sooo much more confused, delusions and hallucinating to beat_the_band. He also is often sleeping more, although the fact that he’s up half the night contributes.Continue reading “His decline. My denial”

Will this be useful?

My therapist gave me a list of feelings to try to refine my self-assessment. I should look at & consult. What can sadness and sorrow mean or incorporate? I feel bored, too, and guilty for that and other lapses in my care.Worried falls under Fear for example. Guilt includes Regret Sorry Remorseful none of whichContinue reading “Will this be useful?”

Love, loss

Last night, Burt was very vocal. I believe he was mostly speaking in his sleep. Much of this conversation last night addressed complaints. He called out my name a few times. In this chatter, he fluctuated between an unfavorable and a positive view of me. It was clear that he knew who I was. ThisContinue reading “Love, loss”

Grateful, appreciative, and thankful

It’s Thanksgiving. Talk of gratitude is as prevalent as the turkey on our plates. We are parsing what is worthy of our appreciation as we sit down for today’s feast. The original idea of this holiday was to show thanks to God for the bounty in our lives. Gratitude practice is at the least aContinue reading “Grateful, appreciative, and thankful”

Mayhem

Burt asked me if I knew that guy. I listened a little harder, had he said Maynard? The guy, he repeated, «Mayhem«. His question gave me chills. I thought of the character Dean Winters plays in a TV ad, but I also thought of the mayhem LBD causes, the disruption in our lives and inContinue reading “Mayhem”