TheRealTamara

In his shoes

It was a purely serendipitous occurrence. I got up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I leave the lights off, not to disturb Burt. My hand accidentally brushed against the switch. I turned it off again, and the sudden darkness blinded me. I reached for what I thought was theContinue reading “In his shoes”

Is there anything harder?

Watching your love wallowing in confusion, delusion, and hallucination is hard. Even heartbreaking. Hearing that somewhere in there, he knows of what he suffers is worse. His understanding may lack exactitude and science, but he is aware. Commiseration is the best and the least I can do. Knowledge of his condition is imperfect in everyContinue reading “Is there anything harder?”

Birds gotta

There is a compulsion inherent in Burt ‘s symptoms. Erratic behavior and disorganized thought lead him into patterns. We bounce back and forth between adulation and despair. The hallucinations are so much a must-be that it brought us into a fascinating discussion the other day. Burt told me that he thinks there wasn’t a fireContinue reading “Birds gotta”

Anxious

Burt’s anxiety is a symptom of his LBD. My anxiety is also a symptom of Burt’s LBD. There are so many potholes on this wintry road of ours. Presently, I anxiously await the total eclipse. Anxiously, but not in a good way like the media paints it. I worry. Will I be able to keepContinue reading “Anxious”

A deep dive

Burt’s dementia started with explosive symptoms from the get-go. He was listless for a while but quickly proceeded to mimic schizophrenia. [This in no way excuses the doctor who offered this up as a diagnosis. As the neurologist’s team said 80 year olds don’t suddenly become schizophrenic.] These next phases included delusions and Capgras Syndrome.Continue reading “A deep dive”

A new low

Every progression brings a new dread. Burt has Lewy Body. I remind myself, and things could stabilize or revert to an earlier…. There was a glimmer of that last night. For all his earnest outpouring of ideas and his studied tone, most of his talk made no sense. As it is so often these days,Continue reading “A new low”

Ms. Fix It

I am a fixer. I feel it as a plus and a negative. My husband’s dementia is leaving him more broken each day. I can’t fix that. How can I help? How can I avoid doing harm. I am out of the house, joining an aerobics class or having coffee with a friend. He callsContinue reading “Ms. Fix It”

Cognitive decline

The way in which Burt’s reasoning works these days is odd and irregular. Much of his thought processes take him in divergent directions. He sees no contradiction. If I weren’t so stricken by his illogical theorizing, I would find it all quite fascinating. As it is, his decline (euphemistically and paradoxically called disease progression) justContinue reading “Cognitive decline”

Purpose

Well. That’s a mouthful. We need purpose to avoid aimlessly wandering through life. A shopping list gives me purpose. A need to fulfill and a will to fulfill it. There’s intent there. It’s actionable. Purpose seems like a lofty goal, but I guess what I’m saying is it’s not out of reach.

Burdens. Joys.

Gratitude is a “thing” for the 2020s Era, but it is also a very powerful tool. This way of seeing and being opens us up to joy and enjoyment. I feel free to be grateful even for my sadness and my sorrow. With that, I feel even greater gratitude for pleasures, joys, and enjoyments. BurtContinue reading “Burdens. Joys.”