therealtamara

Burt, or, Burt and I

Burt and I was a radio program with a heavily-inflected Maine accent. It was homey. It was smart.

My post on February 25, 2025 speaks of getting closure being dependent upon the funeral parlor taking possession of Burt’s body. That, in the retrospect of half a night’s sleep, is inaccurate and, well, bullshit. It closed my day and left me able to go downstairs. I wanted to see the doorman who had notContinue reading “Closure, ha!”

Eerie

Burt’s body remained in the bed room until after 7:30. The ME when my dear S called him on my behalf was very apologetic. The funeral home sent someone from a NJ parlor because they close at 5pm. He was at rest but 8 hours was a long hard time for me to wait toContinue reading “Eerie”

It’s coming to the end

Or, more accurately, Burt’s last 4 days Burt’s temperature was 102.1. I gave him some water which he sputtered over, coughing but swallowing it. I put a cold wet papertowel on his head. It dropped to 99.1. His arms are shaking. His lips are shaking. He opens his eyes and puts his lips on theContinue reading “It’s coming to the end”

Some recent memories

The past: our prologue

A picture album

Out of the past

Memories are a way of reliving the past. Memories are also a way to bring good feelings back. I spend more time with that past now. In my present, I also spend time living a heavy sorrow. From time to time, events and occasions trigger both memory and sorrow. We did this thing, checking outContinue reading “Out of the past”

Losing him again

He’s been several people over the past many months. Well, this is not at all unexpected; aren’t we all many people over a lifespan. I look at him sleeping now and regret that I can’t recall with any confidence what he was like two months ago or four years ago. I know who he isContinue reading “Losing him again”

Careful what you…

When Burt was newly diagnosed, he was feisty. He was difficult. He was contrary. His willfulness made it hard to divert and redirect him. He would argue, fight, and dispute my plans for his care. I would say (or think about) all those stories I had heard of dementia patients who were sweet and docile.Continue reading “Careful what you…”

This will surely help

My mind reverts to the wisdom that warns us who are caregiving that «the cavalry isn’t coming.« It isn’t and we are, surely, on our own. In fact, if there were a cavalry, we would have to be the one to lead the charge. We don’t have a cavalry that will save us from theContinue reading “This will surely help”