TheRealTamara

The theater

We were regulars on Broadway, off, off-off. We attended dance and jazz performances. We went to pop concerts and some opera. When I string that out like that, I wonder how we found the time. As he approached the beginnings of his dementia, sitting through a ballet or staying for a show became a challenge.Continue reading “The theater”

The long before

Burt was well for a much longer time than he was ill. That is obvious as I write it, but it only just occured to me. The last 5 years have been that intense. So engrossing that I almost forgot. Almost. There was a long, happy before. The before celebrates Burt and me; it celebrates us.

Here’s how it went

Here’s what happened. First, Burt seemed listless. That was unusual for him. I was out at the gym a lot and he was at home a lot. He had fallen and cut his cheek badly a year earlier. He had had a bout with never-explained double vision. That was a couple of years before. AndContinue reading “Here’s how it went”

Unsolicited

If you are a caregiver, I am going to give you some advice. Remind yourself that you love your person with dementia. Love is complicated. Caring is love. Holding love makes the journey easier. Applaud yourself for the care, patience and [yes] love you are giving. Applaud yourself for the compassion you are living. CareContinue reading “Unsolicited”

Planning

Have I told you that my party plans for May 3rd have proven to be healing? The choice of venue is close and that pleases me. On my way home from a site visit, I said, smiling and speaking to myself alone Burt will be so surprised. Preparing to throw a celebration of his life isContinue reading “Planning”

Last day

The Medical Examiner failed to notify my police detail to release Burt’s body. This was an hours long oversight which involved not just waves of paramedics but lasted through three shifts of cops. We asked the first of them if R, Burt’s aide, could go home but they and he lingered at home. I calledContinue reading “Last day”

Lying

In the universe of dementia caregivers, there is often a need to practice therapeutic lying. I have been a natural practitioner. The fibs were for the best. They were in place to protect, shield, and guide a quality of life for Burt. The things that mattered in our life were that Burt felt and wasContinue reading “Lying”

Sixth stage

When you’re caring for a person with dementia, you get to repeat the five stages of grief over and over. While your spouse is playing out his Groundhog Day, repeatedly wondering what time it is, you’re stuck in denial anger bargaining depression acceptance over and over. It’s not just sorrow (and surprise) as a newContinue reading “Sixth stage”

Endings

What experiences in life helped you grow the most? It felt odd sharing news of Burt’s death in an email or text. It was odd having that news to share. He lived large and well right up to his last few days. Even during 4, nearly 5 years with dementia he found pleasure in connectingContinue reading “Endings”

His story

There’s a lot of serendipity afloat at this end of our journey. I get glints from the universe that all provide points of light from Burt’s life. Or maybe, my experiences spur my memories. Memories are giving me context to our history, mine and Burt’s. I knew his background, I think, because Burt was alwaysContinue reading “His story”