therealtamara

Hallucinations

Well, yes, it is a good thing that they’re not scary. Burt’s hallucinations are mostly benign. A group of pals and co- workers he’s gathered into our home. They make him feel connected, I think, and less alone. His dreams and delusions seem, on the other hand, to be frightening. He is always lost withoutContinue reading “Hallucinations”

Party? Not right now

I am about to cancel a party I planned for our 32nd anniversary. Parties have been good to (and for) us this past year. Burt loved his 84th surprise birthday gathering. People interested him, and it was a lively event. He insisted I should have one, too, and was able to enjoy the crowd. TheContinue reading “Party? Not right now”

Bluey

I started watching cartoons with Burt because they were colorful with plots that were easy to follow. The default mode for him is to misinterpret much of the action anyway. His “favorites” like Law and Order were too complex. And for my two-cents too violent. I worry about how he’s processing events on Columbo. WeContinue reading “Bluey”

Saints and sinners

The things that annoyed you when he was well will still be maddening when he’s ill. You are not a saint, and your spouse’s diagnosis does not make you supra- human. Leave the saints to religion and on tapestries at the Cloisters. Cheerful caregiving is an art and an act. You can do it. YouContinue reading “Saints and sinners”

In his shoes

It was a purely serendipitous occurrence. I got up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I leave the lights off, not to disturb Burt. My hand accidentally brushed against the switch. I turned it off again, and the sudden darkness blinded me. I reached for what I thought was theContinue reading “In his shoes”

Is there anything harder?

Watching your love wallowing in confusion, delusion, and hallucination is hard. Even heartbreaking. Hearing that somewhere in there, he knows of what he suffers is worse. His understanding may lack exactitude and science, but he is aware. Commiseration is the best and the least I can do. Knowledge of his condition is imperfect in everyContinue reading “Is there anything harder?”

Birds gotta

There is a compulsion inherent in Burt ‘s symptoms. Erratic behavior and disorganized thought lead him into patterns. We bounce back and forth between adulation and despair. The hallucinations are so much a must-be that it brought us into a fascinating discussion the other day. Burt told me that he thinks there wasn’t a fireContinue reading “Birds gotta”

Anxious

Burt’s anxiety is a symptom of his LBD. My anxiety is also a symptom of Burt’s LBD. There are so many potholes on this wintry road of ours. Presently, I anxiously await the total eclipse. Anxiously, but not in a good way like the media paints it. I worry. Will I be able to keepContinue reading “Anxious”

A deep dive

Burt’s dementia started with explosive symptoms from the get-go. He was listless for a while but quickly proceeded to mimic schizophrenia. [This in no way excuses the doctor who offered this up as a diagnosis. As the neurologist’s team said 80 year olds don’t suddenly become schizophrenic.] These next phases included delusions and Capgras Syndrome.Continue reading “A deep dive”

A new low

Every progression brings a new dread. Burt has Lewy Body. I remind myself, and things could stabilize or revert to an earlier…. There was a glimmer of that last night. For all his earnest outpouring of ideas and his studied tone, most of his talk made no sense. As it is so often these days,Continue reading “A new low”