Burt’s body remained in the bed room until after 7:30. The ME when my dear S called him on my behalf was very apologetic. The funeral home sent someone from a NJ parlor because they close at 5pm. He was at rest but 8 hours was a long hard time for me to wait toContinue reading “Eerie”
Category Archives: Losses
It’s the little things
What’s your favorite candy? Memory is a blessing. We can live in and relive our favorite things. And the things we loved that maybe are now lost. I mentioned that moment while I stood by a V’Day display of chocolates and realized Burt no longer could appreciate that Hershey bar. That small realization came with Continue reading “It’s the little things”
Ambiguity
There is a pet term for the grieving and loss we feel as our loved ones dwindle and decline. As they lose themselves to confusion and disorientation, they are lost to us. Sometimes, the diminished cognition, reductive common sense, and other unraveling occur over many years. Each new feature of this unwinding is another lossContinue reading “Ambiguity”
Down down up
When I speak of Burt’s return or of an upswing, I am grading on a curve. After his recent declines, he has not achieved clarity, coherence, or cognitive functioning. He tells me of imagined trips where he met people with wonderfully unlikely names. He insists I bring Tamara to him when I say, “I’m yourContinue reading “Down down up”
It’s not imminent
We all die alone; it’s our ownPersonal drama. Noone should Take our spotlight. I will stayAs witness. I will not let him goAlone. I will be the chorus to hisAgamennon, the Fool to his Lear Burt’s decline, as I have mulled it over and over, is a dark time for me. It is also darkContinue reading “It’s not imminent”
Unambiguously
I started mourning…. I was going to say right away, well, that’s not true. The first losses kicked me in the gut. They perplexed me. I was angry. I was scared. I didn’t know what to do. I started mourning as I got used to the loss. Losses, that’s the right word; they are incremental;Continue reading “Unambiguously”
Recognition
When we started our ride with Lewy, I was cheered± by one assurance. Unlike Alzheimer’s the person with this dementia will always know his/her spouse. It’s a tricky point. They didn’t tell me that he would tell me that his wife was dead; or that he hates her. They didn’t say that there would beContinue reading “Recognition”
In the public eye
This occurred to me today: It is not fair that I have violated Burt’s privacy in describing our journey. I have shared his delusions with you; I have lamented his decline; I have exposed his hallucinations; I have described his terrors and his joys. It should be enough that his Lewy Body Dementia diminishes him.Continue reading “In the public eye”
Love and grief
I wear my grief on my sleeve likeA badge on a soccer uniformI hope that the love is a secondPatch also obvious, also on mySleeve. Love and grief commingle,Intertwined, intermingled, linkedIn tears and smiles, in the joy ofHaving you still with me. I see theGlimmers of who you always were.I mourn losing all the rest.Continue reading “Love and grief”
Equivocal grief
I have been doing my shareOf grieving lately. I say shareAs if it were an apportionedAmount. A pinch of salt, dashOf cardamon. Measure yourGrief in a beaker, a basket, byThe pound or a bushel. I doNot even know what a bushelIs. There’s the song, “I love youA bushel and a peck,” it adds”A hug aroundContinue reading “Equivocal grief”
this is our life 